Stride for Stride with Smrcka: Alexi Pappas – Bravey

Alexi Pappas is a Greek-American Olympian, writer, poet, actress, and producer. In this first blog installment of Stride for stride with Smrcka, I will be diving into how many athletes, and specifically in my specialization of running, go into deep literary lengths in the many books, poem collections, and blogs and websites themselves. Many notable runners and coaches have been known to be in the broad degrees of English such as Deena Kastor, Mark Wetmore, Chris Lear, Kathrine Switzer, and of course— as this blog will discuss— Alexi Pappas! The Novel that Pappas wrote is called Bravey where she talks about her own self journey in confidence, self-reliance, mental health, and the events in her life that led her to be who she is today.

The poems Alexi Pappa uses in her novel Bravey are quite simple and digestible, yet the deeper meaning gained is mainly from understanding how it relates to the volumes of text around it. The  poem I will be discussing from her book Bravey is in my opinion the most important poem in this novel to understand given the context of the novel’s main takeaways. I will be breaking down this particular poem to explain why it is the most significant reflection of the reader’s understanding of the emotional value of reading this autobiography.

The poem of Pappas’ that I plan to be discussing is:

The lines in this poem that stuck out were both the ones that apply to how one could possibly read it if the narration is a reflection of Pappas’ herself as well as how they could be applied to most people taking inspiration from the poem itself. To start with the latter, many people could probably take away the lines “they do not scare me nearly as much / as the things i want most” (3-4) given that most people can relate to feelings of wanting and wishing for events, places, things, etc. to happen in their lives. This would be the simple interpretation of said poem that while dreams and wants are like spiders in that they can scare us, the wants of life are so internal to our being that to make them go away can take a purpose away from our lives and challenge us to grow from chasing them and becoming our hoped for selves. While this reading is accurate to both the book and is part of the interpretative value of the poem, another half of the interpretation still exists that should not be ignored. It’s relativity to the book and Pappas’ experiences throughout these life stories. To go back to the text, to a slight degree of spoilers within the book, without giving away information, Pappas in this chapter speaks of another bug that bothered her, the chapter’s title “Lice” and how, without a proper parental figure around, she dealt with it on her own. The chapter following the poem is called “For Those Who Dream.” The chapter preceding it ends with three very important paragraphs that relate to the ideas reflected in this poem, the first being about how certain books “press” upon her “heart” (286), and then the next two paragraphs reading: 

The importance that can be drawn from those lines to the poem itself starts with the bugs that she speaks of being a type that embedded themselves into her scalp. This shows a level of things happening under the surface that others cannot see. This can go alongside the writer’s intense struggles with mental health that can be seen in other chapters. It’s also important to note that it is not uncommon for a so-called post-Olympic depression (as Pappas calls it) to be seen in athletes. This is expressed by many other athletes, such notably as Michael Phelps, Kara and Adam Goucher, Lauren Fleshman, Des Linden, Simone Biles, and Trey Hardee. Pappas says on her recovery journey from a large bout of serious depression: “When I felt my happiness return, I knew that I would never again be afraid to fail” (156). Why I bring forward this specific line is that in all other places in this chapter, she is referring to sadness as the emotion and less often an underlying one of fear. This use of both associated failure and being afraid is much like the poem above because it is discussing being afraid of the wants and dreams one has in life. This means that we do not fear chasing our dreams and wants but rather the negative consequences and ability to fail chasing dreams. 

The reason I connect this poem with the earlier chapter, however, is also because of how the poem is addressing fears. She says “scary things / like spiders” (1-2) and this use of a simile caught my eye. She uses the spiders and extends it throughout the poem as a mode to talk about fears that live inside her mind. Much as depression and mental illnesses live beneath the surface in the mind where only the beholder is aware of them unless they share this information with other confidants, the wants and dreams live in her head also, and both had brought her significant fear. What makes these all complex is that they “live in [her] mind” (6), they “grow” (9), and they say “come and get me” (13). This is very similar to how a mental illness can feel as a fear as well. If she has acknowledged a fear in her depression, as lines 6-8 could also refer to the mental illness she struggles with, she already acknowledged earlier in the book that she is now not afraid to fail, but rather that the author is most afraid of how the wants in her mind exist in themselves and taunt her to chase them because she wants them most. She is not afraid to fail, but to desire wants. 

This could also be possibly seen throughout other parts of the book when the author expresses the wants she feels throughout her life, but as Pappas’ said “the dreamer takes it upon herself to make [dreams] happen” (287). This line reminds me of a Carrie Fisher quote that says, “Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.” Alexi says in the first chapter that “we can all decide to be brave enough to give ourselves a change” (7). This is why I think, based on the rest of the autobiography, that this poem on what seems to be about how chasing dreams being scarier than spiders is actually about why you should chase them even when you’re afraid. Additionally, chasing wants and dreams, even when they don’t work out and really scare you, are always worth it. 

To be a Bravey, in Alexi’s terms, is to be “those who are willing to chase their dreams even though it can be intimidating and scary” (6). 

(Alexi Pappas, Bravey, “Introduction” page 6).

In closing, as for advice from Alexi Pappas on how to place fear into perspective when chasing the scariest thing— dreams and wants— she says, “Nerves are a cousin to excitement, and excitement is a cousin to gratitude. Pay attention to your nerves: If you feel nervous, it’s a sign that a Very Big Thing is unfolding. Be nervous for how good that thing can be” (111). 

Hannah Smrcka – Assistant prose editor, assistant layout editor

Hannah is a Junior at Lewis University majoring in English with a concentration in Literature and Language. They are on the Track and Cross Country teams for Lewis and enjoy playing piano in their free time. After graduation they hope to get their masters and certification in coaching to coach collegiate distance running, but they hope to still use their English degree to publish works outside of their main occupation. They feel that studying English betters them as a person every day. Some of their favorite authors include Charles Dickens, Rainbow Rowell, Lauren Fleshman, and Deena Kastor.